So today nobody attended the class except me. I was hoping for this classmate to suddenly barge in the class (because he’s always late) so I wouldn’t feel the discomfort. But it was past the waiting time and the dread started to set in.
To others, this is an opportunity to interact with the teacher and speed up the lesson to your pace, but I didn’t see it that way. When we were doing the exercises, she was always asking me if I had further questions and yes, I did, but I decided to shove it down and say, ‘No.’ At one point, we started to talk about life in general and it inspired me to share the current happenings in my life until I got the vibes that maybe I bored her with my stories. I locked my lips and just mum.
You see, when you teach yourself to depend on the emotions of others to satisfy yours, this is what you get. Always thinking about their place first before yours, their opinions before yours, their feelings before yours—them before you. And this is how I live.
If I could just find the switch in my head, I would have turned it off a long time ago, but driving yourself to always please others put a bolt in the pedal brake, that I have no reason to think about me in the first place. This cancer is a tiresome ride, but it is also my drug to always do things beyond what I can do—a challenge; a dare to self. Yet I couldn’t ignore the fact that it rips my skin apart.
When the teacher wondered why everybody was missing, I agreed with her even if I’d been wanting to have this one-on-one lecture with her. While nodding, I took a mental note to ask my classmates later where the hell they were. They should come tomorrow.
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Thank you for reading this story. If you want to talk about random things with me, do not hesitate to reach me through my “Contact” page. All the best love, my dear.